cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
