you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
