if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
