can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
