My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
