the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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