Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
