I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize