im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
