you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
