just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
