i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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