I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
