I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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