You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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