when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
