In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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