Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
