More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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