I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
