I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
