I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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