You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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