I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
