I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
