I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
