I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
