My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
