it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
