I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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