he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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