I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
