I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
