Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
