Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
