Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
