my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
