I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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