I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize