Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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