her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
