You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
