The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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