In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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