Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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