I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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