apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
