In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
