Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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