We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
