I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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