He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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