why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
