my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
