ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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