Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
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