did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
