It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
