well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize