Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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